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Golfing With Cows

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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4 Golfers

Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

The Truth

On the way to meet his regular foresome, Joe gets delayed in heavy traffic. When he finally gets to the club the starter tells him that he had no choice but to send off his three buddies. "But", the starter says, "there's a really nice lady who's ready to go."

Joes protests but the starter says that she's very nice and a decent player. Joe finally decides to play with her. During their round, Joe realizes that he's having a great time with her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the starter said, she's a terrific player. Joe invites her into the clubhouse for a drink after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks in two hours time. He then asks her to go out for dinner, and she accepts his offer.

After a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites Joe to her home for a little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing and fooling around, then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees it's 11:00 PM and says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time. I've got to get home to my wife" and he bolts out the door.

When he gets home his wife asks him where he was. He then tells her, "Honey I can't beleive what I've done. I strayed. I was on my way to playing with the guys early this morning and I got caught in traffic. When I got there, they had been sent out and the starter sent me out with this woman. We were playing and having a really nice time. We had drinks, then we went out for dinner, then she invited me back to her place, we had coffee and before I knew it we were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes were flying, having sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I had to run home to you, and here I am".

She thought about it for a minute, looked at him and said, "You played 36 holes didn't you?"

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Hacker

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf , enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.

"The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

A bad day

Bill and his buddy, Frank, have plans to play golf one Saturday afternoon. Before he leaves, Bill's wife reminds him that they have plans at 3:00 in the afternoon and that he needs to be home by then. Well, 3:00 rolls around, then 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00. Bill's wife is getting frantic. Finally, at 7:00, Bill arrives home.

"Where were you?" cried his wife, "when you didn't show up for our plans, and then were so late, I was worried sick!"

"Well," said Bill, "an absolutely terrible thing happened. We made it to the first green when suddenly Frank dropped dead of a heart attack."

"My God, that's awful!" said his wife.

"You're telling me," said Bill, "all the rest of the day it was hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."

Two Women

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

Man sees beautiful woman

Harry sliced his tee shot way off into a field beside the golf course. Finally he finds the ball nestled in amongst some buttercups. On his back swing he hears a voice, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

He stops his swing, looks around, sees no one, and prepares to hit again. "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

He stops again, looks up and sees a beautiful woman approaching. "I am mother nature," she says. "If you promise not to harm my buttercups, I can guarantee you an abundant supply of butter for the rest of your life."

Harry thinks about this and says, "Where you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

Man golfs with his boss

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Joe said "well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

Phil replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

Practical Golf Widow

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

Never lose ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

 The Big Hitter

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

A True Golf Addict

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"